you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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