and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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