The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
