Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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