there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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