she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
