i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
