she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
