my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
