Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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