Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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