I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
