I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize