For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
