I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
