k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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