Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
