I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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