Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
