So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
