I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Damn victory sex feels great
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