Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
