There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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