he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
