JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
