your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
