Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
