I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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