u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
