how can u be prego again
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
