the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
