In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
