yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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