i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
