Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
