and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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