He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
