Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
