you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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