I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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