Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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