seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you made out with another girl for some wings
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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