we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
