come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
