I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize