I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
ttyl tear gas
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
