The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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