So drunk its hurt
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
