I just saw a hot homeless man
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
