I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
