I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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