He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
