How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
