Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
