Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
